That was then

Thursday, July 16, 2009

that was then

It was immature what I did. And I'm not proud of it. I was confronted yesterday, on the computer with an ex friend, who is still friends with my ex husband. On the computer he IM'd me, and asked, if I cheated on my ex. I almost fitted, I almost exited out of my session. But instead I gave my side. I cheated on my ex husband. He found out soon after, and we tried to figure things out with that.

We tried to work through things, but there was too much there, and soon he became void from my life, from being around, and he was distant. I don't blame him. We were young, and had no children, and maybe he thought the same things as I did, although I'd never know, because he never said anything. I don't know why I cheated, quite honestly, but if I could do it again, I wouldn't have cheated, but I would have left. I wasn't happy for quite a while, and I was ready to leave that marriage, leave that life that I thought I wanted, that I thought suited me. The man I cheated with made me feel wanted, desired, made me feel attention again, that later my ex husband would apologize for not giving me once we got married. The man I thought was the man of my dreams, and whom I left my ex for turned out to be a dud, a shower, somebody who made me feel crazy in love until real life hit, and then I just felt crazy!!!!!! I don't excuse what I did, I regret the way I handled things, and I don't regret much.

I apologized to my ex husband a year after we split. And then a year after that, I sent a letter, and then 8 months after that I got an angry text from him, and then I deleted his number. He can stay mad, I've apologized and I have said my piece. I realize now, that I had a lot of learning to do, a lot of growing up. It was immature, and it was cruel, and heartless, and mean,and I was thinking today as I was reliving that part of my life, that I will never do that again, not to me, not to someone else. Because I don't want to be remembered as that, as heartless, as mean.......because that's not me, that was then.