regrets
Whenever I am asked if I have any regrets, ,my first gut answer is no. I really don't, I make decisions with my mind and my heart and soul and feel like in the end, while it may not be the decision that you or another person would have made, or will make in the future, it's my decision and I know why I chose it. Whether it be right or wrong, my life is my story I have to tell in the end to my future children and possibly future grandchildren. I have many decisions and choices in my life that you might say "well, aren't you bummed that you already have gotten married, and are now divorced?", and my answer to you would be "sure, it totally sucked to get married too young, when we both knew it's not what WE really wanted to do, but we did, and we don't own a time machine, so we are where we are now and we are both really happy where we are at today". Or you might say "Kerry, doesn't it sorta blow being a stepmom(ish) to 3 kids that aren't yours...isn't that hard", and I would absolutely say "Heck yes, but it's a challenge that I took on knowing how hard it would be, but I love those kids like they have been in my life since day 1".
But, today at work, for some reason I realized how much I regret one thing. Well, two if you want to get technical, but one thing in common, and it wasn't not going to college, it wasn't or isn't not having kids by now, it was not spending enough time visiting my grandparents more often before they died. At the hospital, I see people there visiting their family from early morning, until I go home. I see people laughing, crying, eating with them or just reading beside their bed, just being there. And I really could kick myself for not taking my time to visit them not only when they were well more often, but also when they were sick.
How scary it must be knowing that you will not be going home ever again to the home you know. How out of place you must feel, and how small and vulnerable. I heard an older gentleman today being asked a series of questions, that related to his health. I thought of my own grandparents and that they might have been asked those questions, coming to the realization that they were not well, they could no longer take care of themselves. I felt this rush of sadness, and I regreted every time I thought about going to visit but didn't because it scared the beejesus out of me to see a part of my family on the edge of the unknown. It scared me to see them out of their state of wellness. Not thinking what it did to them to not even feel, look, or be acting like themselves, let alone my dad, and aunt and uncle, (their children). I felt so selfish, and I felt such regret. My dad always, always said to me, you need to visit them before they are gone, you will regret it later, and I was always like " no way, I didn't have a relationship with them when I was a kid, what could I be missing with them couped up in a hospital", and so, with that, I never got to say my true, whole hearted goodbyes.
My grandpa will have been gone now in Ocotober for 6 years, and my grandmother just left us a year and a half ago. I realized that if you asked me today "Kerry, name one thing you could change if you could", and I'd tell you, "I'd be that family member visiting my grandma/gpa at the hospital early, even when it wasn't convienent, I'd be that family member just sitting silently next to the bed while they napped, or watched TV, I'd create a relationship where there wasn't one, not out of pity, because that's not what they want, but out of love and respect for their life, I'd be more helpful, and consious of all of those things", because after all, when all is said and done at the end of the day that is my only regret.
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