good "mourning"

good "mourning"

I never had the strength to mourn my marriage ending. I kept myself busy. I made new friends, and I got a new boyfriend, and I moved on. I wasn't happy with myself. I commuted, I tanned, I worked out, I ate, I drank, I watched movies that wouldn't remind me of him, rather would remind me of my childhood, when things were simple. I found a new love for old movies. I reconnected with my family through my divorce. A broken heart, as much as it was my fault, much like a broken tool, doesn't serve much purpose until you look it over, and take the time to fix it, to repair it, to see what went wrong the last time you used it. I tinted my windows, literally, and metaphorically. I blocked out the sun in my car, and I blocked out the sadness, and loss. I didn't want to be married anymore, but its the way I ended the marriage that I didn't want to face. I didn't want to face that I let people down, that people didn't like me. I was disappointed. In me, in us, in my weakness, in my selfishness. And then last summer when things turned to shit with my ex boyfriend I started mourning my marriage. The simpleness of it. The way my ex husband loved me, even when I was awful. I didn't wallow in my sadness for long, but I wrote a letter to my ex, and never sent it. But it helped to get it out on paper, so that I wouldn't keep thinking my thoughts. I mourned the easiness of that relationship, I mourned the friendship that was lost. And I mourned the youth of our relationship when we were in highschool. He was there when all my girlfriends moved away, and got married. He was my harbor, and my strength, and I took advantage of that. And I mourned those things. And now, with my new life in front of me, after my heinous last relationship, I know why those things happened, as bad as it was/is it's all happened for a reason, and my ex is happy now, I stopped mourning that part of my life last fall. I looked myself over and saw what I need in my life, and what I don't need. I fixed what was broken, and I let the sun back in.