Quote of the Week

“The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”
 
-Barbara De Angelis.

Never Grow Up

I couldn't sleep last night.  As I have said in previous posts, this is the time of year my mind swirls and swirls.  My girlfriend Tina, told me once it's my nesting month..I'm pretty sure that's what she called it...like where I want to re-organize my life...or something like that.  I take that lightly.  I woke up this morning with a sense of nostaligia, but it was a calm feeling.  It wasn't sad, or upsetting.  I lay in bed, in my quiet home, on my quiet street and I was alone with my thoughts--(and Scout of course).

A little bit of fun banter back and forth between my best friend.  I found this song (see below) that made me think so much about her and her beautiful children.  But, then...it made me think of myself, growing up, my parents growing older, the times my parents would sing me to sleep Bing Crosby's "Tell Me Why".  I know things change, we grow up....life gets hard, life becomes amazing, people come and people go...but we always have our memories of our childhood. 

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger

And it's so quiet in the world tonight

Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming

So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret

I'd give all I have, honey

If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart

And no one will desert you

Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies

And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off

At 14 there's just so much you can't do

And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block

Remember that she's getting older too

And don't lose the way that you dance around in your pj's getting ready for school

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you, nothing's ever left you scarred

And even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room

Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home

Remember the footsteps, remember the words said

And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment

In a big city, they just dropped me off

It's so much colder that I thought it would be

So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up

I wish I'd never grown up

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up

I could still be little

Oh I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up

It could still be simple

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you

Won't let no one break your heart

And even though you want to, please try to never grow up

Oh, don't you ever grow up

Oh, never grow up, just never grow up

Best Friends

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

~Marilyn Monroe


Recently, I came to the realization that my closest girlfriend lives 3,000 miles away.  Yes...across the country resides one of my closest, trusted friends.  After that comes Sandra D, who lives 1,000 miles away.  Kim, a friend who goes hand in hand with Sandra D, is in OKC...and last but seriously not least is my Dilla who lives in my home sweet home...Chico.  My closest girlfriends are not close at all.  And I am not ashamed of this, and I am okay with this.  Because these girls, they know me to my very core.  They know what makes me TICK, what makes me sob, what gets my funny bone, and what makes me cringe.  They know me inside and out, and I know them, just as deeply.  And only recently did I realize the strength of these relationships when I went searching for what really, truly mattered.

I find myself at this time of the year sad, missing my friends, missing my family. Missing my mother who I haven't spoke to since June...besides that last part.  I do this every year.  Especially after I moved three years ago.  This time of year reminds me how much has changed.  I've kept it no secret that I am all about change.  I welcome it and embrace it.  But I have also kept it no secret that I am a sucker for memories.  The last 5 weeks since my move, I have laid low on the radar.  Web-camin' it with friends, writing real letters...you know on paper, making after work phone calls to my dad and my step-mom.  Calling my brothers at home.  Having long conversations with my friends.  And I made a decision to stop "connecting" with friends via text, and instead make that connection through talking, or writing an actual pen to paper letter. 

I found myself the week after my birthday re-evaluating my friendships that I have made.  What was real, what was fake, what I felt was toxic and what I felt needed extra attention.  I felt like things were getting away from me, that I was trying to grasp, and grasp at just trying to keep up with the friendships I thought that mattered.  But, I always felt left behind, or felt like something was missing.  So, in order for me to feel like things were good again, I did what I set out to do, and centered myself again.  I went through boxes at home, I got organized, I started a routine, and started playing catch up my way.  Amazingly, I didn't miss the game of "who's doing what, who's going where, happy hours and late nights"....and seemingly they didn't miss me.  And I am okay with that.

"Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure."
-- Jewish saying 

I thought I had found friends that I could trust in and confide to. And during this time, I didn't seek out one of those friendships, just the thought of putting in the effort seemed futile to me.  Sometimes, scratch that...all the time, I am quick to let people in.  I don't regret it, but sometimes, I forget that not everyone is a best friend.  Once upon a time I had best, best friends that lived just up the street from me, and I could run to if I was having a bad day, or a fight with a boyfriend.  Some of them I'd known since 3rd grade, I loved them so much.  We went through it all together.   I considered myself to be very lucky to have the friends that I did.  I still consider myself to be lucky to have the friends that I do, even if they do live at different ends of the map.  Those friends are like me, they have depth, and things to talk about, not people to talk about. (This includes our friends.  The friends I've made here, have this catty way of gossiping so much about the same circle of friends that you wonder why they are even friends at all!) My closest girlfriends are capable of holding conversations, and it's an equal and balanced talk, and at the end I don't feel exhausted, and left to hang out to dry.  And I feel satisfied when we say our goodbyes. 

I have been told I am too honest when it comes to advice, or I am not the friend you go to when you want advice about a boy, because I think like a dude.  And this is one of the reasons I have let one of my friends go.  It's simple, I don't have time for candy coated, fairy tale bullshit.  I don't it's tiresome and frustrating to feel like my answers have to be answered to your liking...what's the point?! ...I have been through a lot and I can tell you life isn't always rainbows and puppies and floating hearts out of a meadow while Bambi goes leaping over a pink frosted cupcake. Life and love can and will be a never ending endurance test. And that's okay...it's worth fighting for.   I'll never apologize for being this way.  I don't think I am misunderstood, and I also don't ever claim to be an expert at love, or relationships, because that I am not.  But I have had my share of shitty life lessons, and I also have been handed a fair amount of great life lessons that I, as your friend would love to pass down to you, if only you'd let me.

Tonight, I made an attempt to reach out to a girlfriend for dinner and drinks.

"Taco Tuesday?",

"Yes, I cant wait...see you then."

I imagined us reuniting after 5 weeks of not seeing each other, catching up, and me having this realization that I've been missing this, and her so much.  When really, after 10 minutes I couldn't wait to be back in my house, with my cat, my heater, my love and my comfy bed.  I thought to myself, this isn't what you've been missing at all.  What I'd been missing all this time was my connection to my life that I miss so deeply. And my life in general.  A connection on a deeper level, that I have been craving, and yearning for.  And now that I've reconnected with all of that, and I feel in harmony with it, I don't miss anything.

Sitting there, with my old friend, I felt so deeply disconnected, that I felt like I was out with stranger.  We didn't make eye contact once, continuously reaching for her phone, I realized that this was a test to myself.  I also realized that once was, is no longer. And while part of me grieves that loss of a friendship, even now as I write this, I am looking deep within myself and wondering what sort of friendship was it anyway?  Was it just me, trying so hard to fill a void that I missed so much?

Whatever it was, I am and will always be grateful for every friendship I have had along the way, they've allowed me to grow, and to reach farther, and branch out to new and exciting things.  And, for now I will focus on the relationships that I want to flourish, and make stronger, ones we can grow off of each other, and become best friends all over again.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.  ~Anäis Nin

It’s a Boy!!

A new baby is like the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.
Eda J. Le Shan

No, not for me…weirdos!! But, for our dear friends Marie and Marc!! Yay, little Cash is here.  And I’m in love with his face.  He’s seriously the most beautiful baby I’ve ever laid my eyes on.  Seriously, so amazingly perfect. I’m so proud of my friend Marie. 

“Men are what their mothers made them”.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

And this is the perfect quote for Marie, because I know that she will be an amazing mom to her little man. Now, in 10, 15, 25 years, she’ll be amazing.  Because that’s how she is.  And she invests all she has into everything she does.

She’s like family to me in this family(less) town. 

I got the news on Friday before my reunion that she would be going in, (I was on the LIST, LIST), so I waited and around 8:30 PM on July 16, 2010 he was born!! I couldn’t wait to go visit mommy and baby on Saturday before I left for my reunion.  And, I’m so glad I did.  Trisha came too, and I’m so proud of her..  Being there, after her huge loss of her baby girl just 5 months ago.  There was definitely tears between them.  I love my Napa family, the girls, the guys in their lives, and the babies that are a part of them. 

Congratulations Marie, I love you.

HAHA. Trisha…this was an attempt to not look creepy…it worked…sort of.

In love with this little baby boy!

Marie and Cash photo by Marie, she’s amazing.

A Game For(e) Me

The game is meant to be fun.
Jack Nicklaus
Almost 2 years ago, after finding myself with a DUI to take care of, and a blow to my self esteem the size of the state of Texas, I realized I could do one of two things.  Chalk it up as a life lesson, do what I needed to do, and move on, or wallow in my state of sadness and despair, and like to think that the world had it out for me.  I did the latter part for 1 day.  That got old real fast.  Instead, I gathered up my dignity that had been splayed out all over my house, and took 2 days off of work.  That’s when I decided to meet my friend Maria for a round of golf.  I had played golf a few times before, in high school.  With my dad and mom.  And also on a date that went south.  He tried kissing me with braces. Eeeek!! Anyway, back to last year. Before Tiger was getting all scandalous on us, I thought it’d be fun if we met and hit a round of balls out into the range. 
It felt fucking awesome. 
The old men were getting a kick out of us too, and I even told the one man, if he was going to sit there and flirt with us, the least he could do was buy us a beer.  And that my friends…is what he did. We stayed at that golf course for a good 3 hours. Playing golf, soaking up the weather, enjoying staring at cute, focused men.  And then afterwards, eating a plate of nachos that we felt we had well deserved. 
Today, I found myself on my last leg of my vacation. Only 3 more days left! <Sadness> So, I packed it up, and headed to the golf course in Yountville.  And hit a bucket of 100 balls. Only $10.00!!  I got a few pointers but was mostly complimented by some of the golfers there.  And with that I signed myself up for some lessons.  What frustrations I am unable to get out here in my blog, I am hoping I will be able to, maybe while hitting a ball, and pretending it’s certain peoples’ faces.  The guy said that is normal when you first start.  Sometimes, it helps you hit a lot harder too!  I can’t wait for the fresh air, the coaching, and most of all…the free eye candy I get with it all. 

  View @ the Driving Range

Those are my small baby hands—and the balls I like to hit the most!

Amazing Course

Throw Back

 "....If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it....."~Ice, Ice Baby. Vanilla Ice.


I remember the days, back between the years 1996 and 2000, where, after every high school football game, there'd be a dance.  I attended every one of these suckers.  I was a dancer, and I still am.  I have skillz.<----with a Z.  And, on the dance floor, I've been complimented, and joined.

One song always reminds me of those days, after game dances, formal dances or Saturday night dances. That song, is "Ice, Ice, Baby."  And tonight I welcomed that throw back with welcome arms, well, not really because I was holding a glass of wine, and enjoying it way to much to set it down to embrace a song, but you get the picture.  My girlfriend and I were watching "Glee", a show that I knew I'd love when it first piloted, but sadly my schedule last fall kind of made me forget it existed.  But, now....NOW it's on Tuesday nights, and I've become a fan. I remember in high school, as soon as the beat of this song would come on, all the boys would circle around trying to look so bad ass, and start singing....to each other!! It happened every time, no matter what....and tonight that song was on "Glee", and they did the same.exact.thing!! It was hilarious.  I was always amused with this, and enjoyed watching and listening as each boy sang their own lyrics, or verse.   I was glad to see that the boys of my time, are no different than the boys of today.

It's always nice to get a memory no matter how small, or large,out of a show, or a song, and tonight, a great memory was revisited.

If I just keep it up for 21 days....

So, I am on day 9 of my new lifestyle change of veggies, fruit, tofu, soy, and nuts.  And quite honestly...I'm doing really well.  Not once have I given in. And, I haven't eaten bread, a sandwich, nothing like that since March 28th!!  I know I can keep it up, as long as I have lots of goodies in my cupboards, so I won't be tempted to head for fast food or candy bars.  There have been a few times that I've craved something, but I drink some water, or tea, and it passes.  Today was my hardest day.  I really wanted guacamole, but the chips that were offered were not what I wanted, so I decided to cut up some bell pepper and have bells and guac.  Defintitely not the same thing, but it was still good, and really who are we kidding?!  IT's the dip, not the chip that we like the most.

My favorite find so far has been the gardein protein products.  A lot of fun choices you can eat alone or in a dish.  Also, anything Brussells Sprouts. Yum.
I decided to take it a step further and use vegan vegan face wash, and toner  instead of the stuff at the drugstores.  I bought that the same day I came back from my trip, and I don't know if it's the food that I am not eating...or the wash, but my skin looks amazing!  SO, if I can continue to reep benefits from this I am going to continue to try to do this. 

They say it only take 21 days to break a habit, so I am almost 1/2 way there.

If I Could Write a Letter to Me

"Nothing that is worth knowing, can be taught."~Oscar Wilde

 I can't believe it's April already!  How fast this year is going by.  My parents used to always say; "The older you get, the faster it goes." To which I would probably reply "Chyea right parents..." But, it's true.  I can't pin point it, but this week I've been thinking a lot of my past, of my present, and of all the choices in between.  And I was thinking, if only I knew then, what I know now.

What would I tell myself when I was 13, 14, 15 and beyond?  Here's a few things I thought of.

*Talk to your grandparents more, you'll want to know more about your life later, and it'll be an important goal for you to attain, and out of everything this will be your biggest regret.

*Don't dye your hair, you'll wish at the age of 22 you never had touched it, but realize it may be too impossible to go back.

*Try, if you can to not worry yourself with boys.  Especially in high school, you may not realize it now, but these are not the boys you'll even think of twice later on.

*Be thankful to your parents for teaching you manners

*Hug your brother when he starts to fight with you, he'll be one of your best friends when you are in your twenties, and those hugs may give him just what he needed right then.  He loves you, more than you know.

*Take drama, you belong there.

*Don't quit chorus, you have a great voice

*Tell your mom more, how much you appreciate her--she needs to hear it.

*Ask questions, it's better to have a door slammed in your face, then to never have it opened at all.

*Keep secrets when they aren't your secrets to tell

*Drive slower

*Don't be so serious, because later, when you are older you are one of the funnest people to have around,
you are the life of the party.

*Pay attention

*Don't apologize so much!

*Continue to be true to yourself, and to who you are, it's one of your most likable traits, and people love you for it.

*Be true in your speaking, you're smart, don't let anyone tell you different.

*Treasure your vacations with your parents, they are rare later

*These are not the best years of your life

*Remember when you won Prom Queen?  That speech you gave was the best speech ever, the only thing I'd change is embracing Sarah tighter when she came up to you and hugged you, she loves you.

*Get to know your teachers

*Be happy with your decision that you didn't smoke a cigar at graduation, you weren't missing anything.

*Get a tutor in math, it'll haunt you FOREVER!!

*Don't move out so soon, it won't be worth it, once you grow up, that's it....you're a grown up forever.

These are the things I'd tell a young self, but, now as an adult, I've started practicing being remarkable, and hopefully in ten years look back with wonderment at my life.  

If you want to make a change in your life today, I dare you to do a couple of things and see how it makes you feel.

+Start smiling and making eye contact with everyone you meet.  See how many smiles you get back.

+ Dedicate yourself to being the best at ____________ that you can possibly be.  Be consistent, people will notice.

+ Find ways to help people without personal gain.  Why?  Once you start doing this, you will know, and if you don't, then you won't.

This was and is a personal goal of mine.  To start giving without expecting anything in return, and as a human being, that's hard.  But I've noticed a huge change in my attitude when I give without expecting anything, and I love the way it makes me feel.  Being remarkable are being in wonderment are keys to success to personal happiness and growth.  If you do these 3 things everyday, even for just a week you'll notice a change in you and in those around you.

Lifestyle Change

For two weeks, I rode my bike nearly everyday in the morning, or the afternoon.  The longest ride I went on was a 21 mile ride.  I did something that would make me feel better about everything.  And just that mere change in my daily activity, proved to be positive.  So, last week during my visit in D.C., my friend Shannon has introduced a lifestyle change, that I found inspiring.  She had read The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone.  I knew that Alicia Silverstone is Vegan, but it was interesting to read why, and other great benefits of a plant based diet.  So, while I was there, I tried to follow a Vegan diet, as much as I could.

  And was able to sustain it.  So, coming home yesterday was my challenge.  I walked to the grocery store right down from where I live, and set out to find dinner and breakfast for myself.  And after reading some labels, and choosing wisely, I had each meal planned out for the next 24 hours.

I can't believe how easy it seems, and actually how tasty the food is so far.  Last night, I had Quinoa, with raw bell peppers, imitation fish, brussel sprouts, and green beans.  And to drink I had straight up tangerine juice.  I was satisfied, and pleased.

I won't lie, cause a lot of things I am used to eating seem so tasty, such as cheese, and I love Salami, but I want my body to be strong, and healthy. At least I can still drink wine!!! That part isn't out!  Horray. And I want to try to make a difference in my world.  I'm hoping I can sustain this--I know the benefits are huge.

Wish me luck.

Hardest Thing I've Learned

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.”

~ The Wonder Years~

If there is one thing I have learned for sure about myself these last few years, is I have a hard time with change.  Especially when it comes to change that I have no control over.  Remember when we were kids, and all our life consisted every year of change.  It's like we never even had a clue.  Friends would come and go.  Our classes would be different.  We'd split up with our "Boyfriends", we'd get new teachers.  I was lucky enough in my childhood to live in the same town, live in the same house since I was 3, and for the most part have the same closest friends.  In fact, I am still friends with someone who I have been friends with since I was 4 at Kindergarten.  She was the first sleep over I ever had.  She is all grown up now, and has 2 lil munchkins, but she'll always be a part of my life. 

My biggest change was probably when my parents got a divorce.  I was 10.  And my mom left for a while.  I liked the change a little because my dad would let me have sleep overs on school nights, because he thought it'd be healthy for me.  But, I remember when they first split up, how devastated I was.  I remember thinking; that my mom would no longer be my mom, or my cousins wouldn't be mine anymore.  But, as time went on I grew accustomed to this change, and now, I wouldn't know life any other way. 


In the most recent years, the biggest changes have taken  place in my life.  I got divorced, I moved out of my hometown, I've made my own little family down here.  I said goodbye to 3 great kids, who once in a while will catch me off guard, and I'll miss them even more than I thought I ever would.  But, like I always do, I bounce back stronger, and better prepared for the future.  Or do I?  

Right now, I am going through a change....one of my closest friends is getting ready to take one of the biggest journeys of their life, and starting a career path that I can only be happy for.  But, there is a huge gap in my life without them.  And, without them on some days I feel lost, and lonely.  And wonder, will they miss me half as much as I will miss them.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I am not afraid to show anyone...my feelings, or my emotions.  But, with this person, I am forever grateful for being one of my closest friends, during some of my hardest times.  They are like a family member to me, and for that I am lucky.  

Some days, I will be fine, and without warning, I will think of all the changes ahead, and just burst into tears. I think the hardest thing I have learned is that while change for the most part is good for us, both physically, emotionally and mentally....it is also one of the hardest things to go through, even if you think you are ready for it.  Sometimes it will just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Maybe as an adult it's harder to adapt to change, because it makes you realize just how out of our hands some things can be.  It's a scary thought.  But, for all of the memories that I have, and the ones that I am sure to come,  I am grateful.  I know that I will be okay, I always am.  It's just a hard thing sometimes realizing you're human, and really...things will happen the way they happen, and you can only control them so far, until you have to just go with the flow. 

It's MONDAY

It's Monday!! You know what that means in KerryLAND.....Laundry. Um, laundry...2 loads and after work that is.  I am working a few extra shifts this week, to bring my total working hours to a nice 67 this week alone.  YES!

You know what it also means?  That while my laundry is being tumbled, and agitated, and spun and rinsed.....I get to write and blog my little heart out.

I've had quite a day. And while I try to keep my mind busy, and my thoughts positive, I can't help but think of my good, good friend Trisha.  I got a text at 4 AM this morning, saying she is in the hospital with complications in the pregnancy.  We texted back and forth for a about an hour, but I couldn't help but think of how useless I was just sitting up in my bed, wanting so badly to be there for her. I know that she was surrounded by her parents, and Jameson, and I'm glad for that.  I know that we can't stop what may or may not happen, and as soon as a negative thought comes into my brain, I shoo it away with good thoughts for her, and her baby, and her body, and for Jameson.  It's moments like this where I definitely do start doubting anything that is higher than us....and while right now I may be cynical, it just makes me think "Really....I mean...really?! What kind of higher power would give a woman a baby for 5 months, allow it to grow, and gestate, just to possibly, have to let it all go?!"  I just can't think that I'd want to be a part of any of that belief system.  The whole...everything happens for a reason speech just isn't cutting it for me today.  Because I don't believe that something like this should be happening to somebody so great.  Frankly....it's bullshit.  And today, I realized that all the petty nonsense that I've been droning on and on about...is really nothing in comparison. 

It's just a big fat reality check.

Ughh...I know that is just an opinion, and a negative one at that....and in this moment, I'm sad, and frustrated.  But I just want this to turn out okay. 

Trisha....I love you.   And I wish for you, nothing but happiness.

Let it Be

“Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.” William S. Burroughs

Have you ever had a week that just scrambles your mind into mush.  Makes you think and rethink everything, doubt your lives decisions, makes you wonder what it is you are doing, and who are you truly living for?  90% of the time I am secure in the woman I have become.  I make my own choices, and really, I have no regrets.  Most everything I have done in my life, has taught me a lesson, and brought me to wear I am today.  But sometimes, there is the 10% that has me wondering, wishing, hoping for something to just cut me a break.  And while I love my life for the most part, some days I wish I had a reset button to start over. 

I have gone through many things to end up right here. To have my life be what it is today.  I have married, and divorced. Been a HUGE part of helping to raise 3 wonderful children for 3 years.  I have run a business, and gone to college.  I have traveled and I have owned a home.  I have dealt with illness in my family. And drug abuse, and even a close friends drug overdose, that brought my brother to his knees.  I have seen and been a part of many lives paths.  Probably more than most girls people my age.  And for all of these experiences I am grateful.  I do believe that it has made me a stronger, and better person.  But what I hate is when life throws one of those "Not sure what's going to happen next" curves at me....and life is sort of just in slow motion, in mid air....and I'm watching and waiting, to see what direction my life is going to go next. 
 

The other day, I decided to take a walk to the grocery store in the rain. I needed to get out of my apartment.  I had my polkas on and my matching umbrella.  And I was alone, with my thoughts, and all I could think of was I need to learn to relax.  To just go with the flow, and take it easy.  I was alone with my thoughts, my iPod playing "The Beatles" and smelling the fresh, clean, rainy air....I had no cares in the world at that moment. 

And right when I needed an answer, the song that came on to answer all of my questions....exactly what I needed to hear. "Let it Be."  Funny how that works sometimes.

who could it be knocking at my door?

 Have you ever had one of those moments, where you walk by a mirror and see yourself in the mirror, do a double take and say to yourself, "Who the fuck is that, and why am I wearing skinny jeans, flats, and drinking a VENTI soy chai from a Starbizzle cup?"  Oh....well, if you haven't then you're lucky.  But if you have, then you know what I am talking about.

It's called the quarterlife crisis, and I'm pretty sure I am shoulder deep in it.  It's no urban legend, or myth, not a tall tale, or excuse to feel like you are going ape shit, crazy out of your mind, it's real, like as real as my anxiety attacks that come along with it. There are even books out there to tell you how to know you're dealing with one, how you know how to deal with it, and to just let you know...that quite frankly, you aren't the only one...so (Pat, Pat on the head, there, there dear, you'll be just fine, you'll make it out of this a-okay). 

It's ridiculous.  This last weekend, I was at a store, shopping, and I am looking at some of the clothes that are the "thing" to wear right now, and I am thinking "seriously?! Who wears this shit", and then I turn around and I see just a bunch of girls, wearing it.  I can't remember the last time somebody dressed me, or picked out my clothes for me, but clearly that's what these girls were doing.  It's like they walk in to the store and see no other option than to pick the leggings, and the hideous flower long shirt, that could be a dress, but you aren't really sure, so you wear leggings so you won't look like such a ho, but instead you just look like a poser, a robot poser that dresses just like everyone else.  I then looked at myself, and was like...what the hell am I wearing!?! And why?!  I used to be a cute pair of jeans and t-shirt or tank top kind of gal!! 

My quarterlife crisis came right after my 23 birthday.  I stressed to the max, and my hair was starting to fall out.  I Had just gotten divorced, and I was already dating, and dating older men, like I knew that was what I wanted!  I didn't know it then, but I was sort of wading into my quarterlife crisis.

The biggest problem that the twenty something has is the whole "Figuring what I am here for, who I am, and what it is I am put on this earth to do" question.


For me, this isn't the problem. The problem is realistically BEING who I already know I am, and who I want to be. Is that every one's problem?? Or are some people walking around like, "Who am I? Who am I?" I am very in tune and very aware of WHO I am, and what I love and don't, what fulfills me, where I find my happiness....however, on paper, I would seem like a carefree spirit, wanting to travel, without a budget, without a care in the world for anybody but myself, telling crazy ass stories that sound mostly like lies, (but are actually true) opening large animal shelters, while baking gourmet recipes, writing and living.  It's a matter of being able to do what it is I really want to do, versus, in reality what it is I have to do in order to not be a bum, living on the sidewalk holding a cardboard sign.


Having the "I wanna be, and appear to be perfect too all of my peers" syndrome,   like many of us Twentysomething's often get us to a point, where you are choosing to be a "yes" person, while sacrificing the inner/outer aspects that may suffer as a result: family, friends, personal fulfillment... If it isn't the other road is finding/acknowledging that WORK isn't what your sole purpose is in life is, because you find your joy in other areas as well.

While learning to be a "real Adult" you know...the kind with a job, and money in my bank account, and friends, and some sort of social outlet..... but keeping my life fulfilling, and real, and true to myself, the words of my dad come into my head around the time of my divorce. "Kerry, you're wearing yourself out, stop trying to be so perfect, and competitive all the time." I think we all need to take a step back and see what balances us out, what makes me, me, and you.....you.

Ways to Live Like Kerry......

Not because I'm narcissistic, because I'm not....this is my second form of therapy, in writing, and besides, my therapist, says its good to write, to see where you are in life....GASP....**Whisper*** she said THERAPIST!!!  Yes....yes...that is right. And you'll hear more about that....later.  Anyway,  I decided to write a quick list of ways you could live in a day in the life of me, Kerry Peck.  :)

*Always, always as often as you can, sing your words...for example....walk into a room, and say sing....HELLLOOOOOO!!!!!!!  I have done it always, especially after being a cheerleader for 2 years and cheering my words...all the time....HELLOOOOOOOOO......will always make everyone smile!!

*Love passionately.

*Remember where you came from, and don't try to be who you aren't, it doesn't look good on you..

*Have celebrity crushes, and don't be ashamed to admit it.

*Ask questions

*Have an unhealthy obsession with your iPhone. If you don't have said iPhone...well then, you.are.missing.out!!! **sorry**

*Talk to your cat, or dog.  But it's healthy, I read it in a book....somewhere. ;-)

*Be amazing at cooking without recipes. Thanks mom and dad. xo

*Share

*Do not, NOT get into a line of "10 items or less", even if you have only 11 items....I was all the way to the front the other day at Nob Hill....counted my items....12 items, and one of them was a pack of gum, I got out of said line...EMBARRASSING!!! HA.

*Take long runs, anywhere, everywhere, all the time...alone.

*Start a book...don't finish it.

*Do, DO have a set laundry day...mine=MONDAYS.

*Love, LOVE to write.

*Make yourself laugh...ALL THE TIME!!!

*Don't be afraid to cry

*Hate DIET soda!! GROSS.

*Be open, and honest about you, be proud of who you are, and what you've endured.

what I should be doing

Last year, when I was visiting my friends in D.C. I was having a very deep conversation about what it is I am doing in life and career wise, and what it is I should be doing.  I always wanted to be a Para-Legal, I'm good at getting answers, and I'm good at having crap-loads of work, but Shannon ( a law student ) suggested, that no, I shouldn't be doing anything like that, but instead I should be in the Public Eye.  We were walking to Georgetown, and I'll never forget what she said, "I see you talking to people that you know, and to strangers you've just met, and I wouldn't know the difference, because the way you interact with people is amazing." And with that, she suggested I look into Event Coordinator/Party Planning.  The pay, if hired with a nice company, is twice what I'm making now. And I'm not in an office, or a building with no windows. So,  I started looking, and there are programs for that, and it's a definite possibility.

I don't feel like I belong in an office, or even where I am now.  I know that I have skills that could meet expectations, and surprise you.  So, with that, and a little push from family, and friends, and my therapist....that's the direction I'm heading. 

Wish me luck.

I don't mind being single, as long as I'm not alone.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy girl who'll decide where to go."
- Dr. Seuss

Don't let my title deceive you.  I am not a co-dependent, I don't need to be with somebody, just anybody, but what I mean by that, is that, I think when I was first single....I really found myself lost.  I had never been single before!  I found myself wondering what to do, thinking people who aren't single won't want to be friends with the single girl.  But in the last few months, I've really found solace in my friends, both coupled, and not.

I am running again, which is taking me to the Shamrockin' Half Marathon in West Sac. with my friend Rachael from Redding, and it is also taking me to San Francisco for the Bay to Breakers 7 miler with my other friend, we're pretty sure soul mates..AND neighbor Rach...both runners, both Rachaels!! The Rachael that lives here has really opened me up to a lot of things, we are planning a trip to Vegas in April, and we both LOVE musicals, something that I have never had in a friend before...oh Rachael..you've won my heart!

 Rachael number 2 and I in S.F.

I am finding things to volunteer for, I am going to start time for clearing trails at state parks for hikers in Marin, can't wait for that.  I am going to start horseback riding in March, and I'm visiting my family more. I'm listening to myself more, of what I need to be peaceful, and happy.

I don't mind being single, in fact, I like it. I live for me right now, and why shouldn't I?! But as long as I'm living....then I'm perfectly fine with where I am, single, but not alone, wanting, not needing, hopeful....not hopeless.