Settled

The only source of knowledge is experience.
Albert Einstein 

 
Here are a few things I know for sure from the last 8 months of living with a roommate.  First, I know myself well, and I knew from a very early age, that living with another female would drive me banana crackers, and well, it did.  I wanted to stuff ear plugs in my ears every time I came home, in the last 3 months, I'd become a hermit.  Staying away, as long as possible, and trying my best to avoid any and all conversation.  Although, I have to admit, having her screaming at her child was a highlight, of each and every night.  Living with my roommate, I do believe gave me an eye opening realization that, infact...women...are fucking crazy...well, living with one is anyway.  I was raised around brothers, my best girlfriends wanted to move in after high school, and I was against it completely.  I do believe that had I moved in with said friends....we'd no longer be friends.  I like my house clean, my dishes washed, my privacy, my alone time, my sometimes, if I'm in a mood, a long ass shower, and I don't want to ahve to explain myself, my I like to do my laundry every night...so sue me, I've always been this OCD about it...my, ahem...well you know.  ;-)  

Anyway, I learned that.  I also learned, that with a little help from an outsider, a little emailing, a little sweet talk, that maybe, just maybe there can be normalcy in my life once and for all.  I never shared with you that back in March, I had had it up to here...(insert me with my arm stretched a good foot above my head), with my boyfriends ex.  It's definitely a long story, and one that maybe one day I'll share.  I have had mixed feelings about it, ones that some days I wish I could have said, in all honesty what I REALLY wanted to say, but then again, I think maybe I did, but in a civilized manner.  You know how later, you think...Oh man, I should have said this...and not this.  DARN. It was a weird feeling, like letting go of so much anger that I'd held on for so long, what do I replace that shit with?!  I'll admit, that I even, maybe cried, thinking, all this hate I've wiped it clean, so what do I replace it with now?  

And that brings me to number 3 of lessons..it brings me to the fact that I'm going to school now, for Mortuary Science...You:  WTF...did she just say?!  Me: YEP.  I've always wanted to do it.  Death, in reality doesn't bother me.  It never has.  And when I tell people that, some people don't blink an eye, it is what it is...we all die, let's face it, no one wins or loses this battle of the one thing we can all count on, and  well the majority of people, they look at me like I'm crazy. And, well, maybe I am. But I know what I want.  And, that brings me to number four.  While I hated having a roommate, I also learned a lot about myself in 8 months.  I made peace with a practical stranger, and used the energy for that and turned it into something good for me...and my future, and It brought me right here, to my our upstairs apartment, that I'm currently residing in with my seriously amazing boyfriend.  Our move was a long 8 hour day with a U-Haul, and furniture, and me downsizing my clothes...well sort of, and us living in peace, with our crazy cat, and our crazy schedules.  I love him.  I love where my life has taken me. 

Best Friends

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

~Marilyn Monroe


Recently, I came to the realization that my closest girlfriend lives 3,000 miles away.  Yes...across the country resides one of my closest, trusted friends.  After that comes Sandra D, who lives 1,000 miles away.  Kim, a friend who goes hand in hand with Sandra D, is in OKC...and last but seriously not least is my Dilla who lives in my home sweet home...Chico.  My closest girlfriends are not close at all.  And I am not ashamed of this, and I am okay with this.  Because these girls, they know me to my very core.  They know what makes me TICK, what makes me sob, what gets my funny bone, and what makes me cringe.  They know me inside and out, and I know them, just as deeply.  And only recently did I realize the strength of these relationships when I went searching for what really, truly mattered.

I find myself at this time of the year sad, missing my friends, missing my family. Missing my mother who I haven't spoke to since June...besides that last part.  I do this every year.  Especially after I moved three years ago.  This time of year reminds me how much has changed.  I've kept it no secret that I am all about change.  I welcome it and embrace it.  But I have also kept it no secret that I am a sucker for memories.  The last 5 weeks since my move, I have laid low on the radar.  Web-camin' it with friends, writing real letters...you know on paper, making after work phone calls to my dad and my step-mom.  Calling my brothers at home.  Having long conversations with my friends.  And I made a decision to stop "connecting" with friends via text, and instead make that connection through talking, or writing an actual pen to paper letter. 

I found myself the week after my birthday re-evaluating my friendships that I have made.  What was real, what was fake, what I felt was toxic and what I felt needed extra attention.  I felt like things were getting away from me, that I was trying to grasp, and grasp at just trying to keep up with the friendships I thought that mattered.  But, I always felt left behind, or felt like something was missing.  So, in order for me to feel like things were good again, I did what I set out to do, and centered myself again.  I went through boxes at home, I got organized, I started a routine, and started playing catch up my way.  Amazingly, I didn't miss the game of "who's doing what, who's going where, happy hours and late nights"....and seemingly they didn't miss me.  And I am okay with that.

"Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure."
-- Jewish saying 

I thought I had found friends that I could trust in and confide to. And during this time, I didn't seek out one of those friendships, just the thought of putting in the effort seemed futile to me.  Sometimes, scratch that...all the time, I am quick to let people in.  I don't regret it, but sometimes, I forget that not everyone is a best friend.  Once upon a time I had best, best friends that lived just up the street from me, and I could run to if I was having a bad day, or a fight with a boyfriend.  Some of them I'd known since 3rd grade, I loved them so much.  We went through it all together.   I considered myself to be very lucky to have the friends that I did.  I still consider myself to be lucky to have the friends that I do, even if they do live at different ends of the map.  Those friends are like me, they have depth, and things to talk about, not people to talk about. (This includes our friends.  The friends I've made here, have this catty way of gossiping so much about the same circle of friends that you wonder why they are even friends at all!) My closest girlfriends are capable of holding conversations, and it's an equal and balanced talk, and at the end I don't feel exhausted, and left to hang out to dry.  And I feel satisfied when we say our goodbyes. 

I have been told I am too honest when it comes to advice, or I am not the friend you go to when you want advice about a boy, because I think like a dude.  And this is one of the reasons I have let one of my friends go.  It's simple, I don't have time for candy coated, fairy tale bullshit.  I don't it's tiresome and frustrating to feel like my answers have to be answered to your liking...what's the point?! ...I have been through a lot and I can tell you life isn't always rainbows and puppies and floating hearts out of a meadow while Bambi goes leaping over a pink frosted cupcake. Life and love can and will be a never ending endurance test. And that's okay...it's worth fighting for.   I'll never apologize for being this way.  I don't think I am misunderstood, and I also don't ever claim to be an expert at love, or relationships, because that I am not.  But I have had my share of shitty life lessons, and I also have been handed a fair amount of great life lessons that I, as your friend would love to pass down to you, if only you'd let me.

Tonight, I made an attempt to reach out to a girlfriend for dinner and drinks.

"Taco Tuesday?",

"Yes, I cant wait...see you then."

I imagined us reuniting after 5 weeks of not seeing each other, catching up, and me having this realization that I've been missing this, and her so much.  When really, after 10 minutes I couldn't wait to be back in my house, with my cat, my heater, my love and my comfy bed.  I thought to myself, this isn't what you've been missing at all.  What I'd been missing all this time was my connection to my life that I miss so deeply. And my life in general.  A connection on a deeper level, that I have been craving, and yearning for.  And now that I've reconnected with all of that, and I feel in harmony with it, I don't miss anything.

Sitting there, with my old friend, I felt so deeply disconnected, that I felt like I was out with stranger.  We didn't make eye contact once, continuously reaching for her phone, I realized that this was a test to myself.  I also realized that once was, is no longer. And while part of me grieves that loss of a friendship, even now as I write this, I am looking deep within myself and wondering what sort of friendship was it anyway?  Was it just me, trying so hard to fill a void that I missed so much?

Whatever it was, I am and will always be grateful for every friendship I have had along the way, they've allowed me to grow, and to reach farther, and branch out to new and exciting things.  And, for now I will focus on the relationships that I want to flourish, and make stronger, ones we can grow off of each other, and become best friends all over again.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.  ~Anäis Nin

Life's Lessons

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” `Alexander Graham Bell

There is nothing wrong with wishing you could do things over.  In all honesty, there are a handful of things that, if given the chance, I surely would.  I talk often about learning lessons, and life lessons, and the things I am shaped and molded by, and the choices I have made, good....or bad.  I try to talk openly about them so that you know, that I am a real person, with real emotions,  with a good heart, and with a real urgency to make my life great.  

Of  course, out of all of the things I want in my lifetime, I want to be able to look back and not want to hang my head in disbelief and think "What have I done with my life, why didn't I act sooner, do this better, see to it that this was done, be more proactive", and so far, I haven't.  I look at my life today, as I write this, and I know that the things I have dealt with, the people, the way things were done, were all a page written into my life.  And for all of these things, I am grateful.

I only have 1 regret, and that can be found over here.   I don't regret leaving my husband, because now, he's found happiness with his future soon to be wife, and his life is fulfilled, when really I know that I never could have been that for him.  I don't regret taking a leap of faith and moving down to Napa, because honestly, it's been a life changing event.  I don't regret, because really what good does that do.  But, I also don't compromise myself,  so I guess this would be a reason that I don't regret very many things.  While it may seem that I have a wild side, I use my logical thinking more than that of my emotional thinking.  And I know when things are introduced to me, if right away they are a smart idea.  I never have done drugs, or been promiscuous,  but there are a couple of things that, if given a chance to do over...I would.. But I don't sit and ponder over them, wishing I could have that day over again.  I don't run away from my choices, or put them behind me, in hopes that they won't resurface.   Because at one point or another that choice, and that experience was just what I needed and what I was choosing to do, at one point that choice was mine. 

 

I look at heartache and hurt as being a natural part of life, these are things that make us who we are today, how and who we choose to love, the friends we choose to make, the personal information we share.  I have left myself in a bad relationship in the past just because I was afraid to feel hurt....to feel sadness....to feel!  After a while once you are in a bad relationship, and you know it's toxic and awful, you become numb to everything.  So, to think that if you were to leave this behind, you'd actually feel something.  And that is a scary thought, if you aren't ready.  

The point I'm trying to make, is this: You can't run from your past, because it will catch up to you at some point.  You can't pretend that that part of you life didn't happen, because it did, and that's why you are who you are today, that is why you make choices more carefully now.  The best thing you can do for yourself, the best thing I can do for MYSELF is make my life choices about me, because in the end, that's all that will matter, and I want to re-tell my story with a smile on my face, knowing full well, that I am me for this or that, and no one can take that away from me.

Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got.**Janis Joplin**

letting it go

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”~Catherine Ponder

You know that moment when you just feel like it's time to finally just say "I'm done."   It's not a defeated, deflated, giving up "I'm done." But more of a I'm done being exhausted with this silly nonsense.  When the anger isn't even there anymore, but you are used to just having it sit deep in your mind and heart, and one day you wake up or are sitting there, and you aren't even angry anymore, you have just been used to having it there this whole time you hadn't even checked yourself lately to see if you felt it anymore?  

 

Well, that's how I've been feeling for a few  months, until about 2 weeks ago, when I was gone on my trip, and I just was sitting at lunch one day and a brief thought went through my mind, and I realized I just didn't care anymore. I didn't have that negative, pissed off feeling.  The anger and the snarkiness of that person, and those feelings, were gone, and had subsided, and what was left wasn't even a gaping hole, instead it was filled with a new outlook for my life.  For what I wanted, want, and have in my life now, and in the future.  

 

I don't even know when it went away, because I was so used to having it there, always, deep inside of my heart.  But not anymore, and for that I am so, so thankful.  I am at peace with my decisions, with my life, and what I am doing with it all.

 

~K

If I Could Write a Letter to Me

"Nothing that is worth knowing, can be taught."~Oscar Wilde

 I can't believe it's April already!  How fast this year is going by.  My parents used to always say; "The older you get, the faster it goes." To which I would probably reply "Chyea right parents..." But, it's true.  I can't pin point it, but this week I've been thinking a lot of my past, of my present, and of all the choices in between.  And I was thinking, if only I knew then, what I know now.

What would I tell myself when I was 13, 14, 15 and beyond?  Here's a few things I thought of.

*Talk to your grandparents more, you'll want to know more about your life later, and it'll be an important goal for you to attain, and out of everything this will be your biggest regret.

*Don't dye your hair, you'll wish at the age of 22 you never had touched it, but realize it may be too impossible to go back.

*Try, if you can to not worry yourself with boys.  Especially in high school, you may not realize it now, but these are not the boys you'll even think of twice later on.

*Be thankful to your parents for teaching you manners

*Hug your brother when he starts to fight with you, he'll be one of your best friends when you are in your twenties, and those hugs may give him just what he needed right then.  He loves you, more than you know.

*Take drama, you belong there.

*Don't quit chorus, you have a great voice

*Tell your mom more, how much you appreciate her--she needs to hear it.

*Ask questions, it's better to have a door slammed in your face, then to never have it opened at all.

*Keep secrets when they aren't your secrets to tell

*Drive slower

*Don't be so serious, because later, when you are older you are one of the funnest people to have around,
you are the life of the party.

*Pay attention

*Don't apologize so much!

*Continue to be true to yourself, and to who you are, it's one of your most likable traits, and people love you for it.

*Be true in your speaking, you're smart, don't let anyone tell you different.

*Treasure your vacations with your parents, they are rare later

*These are not the best years of your life

*Remember when you won Prom Queen?  That speech you gave was the best speech ever, the only thing I'd change is embracing Sarah tighter when she came up to you and hugged you, she loves you.

*Get to know your teachers

*Be happy with your decision that you didn't smoke a cigar at graduation, you weren't missing anything.

*Get a tutor in math, it'll haunt you FOREVER!!

*Don't move out so soon, it won't be worth it, once you grow up, that's it....you're a grown up forever.

These are the things I'd tell a young self, but, now as an adult, I've started practicing being remarkable, and hopefully in ten years look back with wonderment at my life.  

If you want to make a change in your life today, I dare you to do a couple of things and see how it makes you feel.

+Start smiling and making eye contact with everyone you meet.  See how many smiles you get back.

+ Dedicate yourself to being the best at ____________ that you can possibly be.  Be consistent, people will notice.

+ Find ways to help people without personal gain.  Why?  Once you start doing this, you will know, and if you don't, then you won't.

This was and is a personal goal of mine.  To start giving without expecting anything in return, and as a human being, that's hard.  But I've noticed a huge change in my attitude when I give without expecting anything, and I love the way it makes me feel.  Being remarkable are being in wonderment are keys to success to personal happiness and growth.  If you do these 3 things everyday, even for just a week you'll notice a change in you and in those around you.

Lifestyle Change

For two weeks, I rode my bike nearly everyday in the morning, or the afternoon.  The longest ride I went on was a 21 mile ride.  I did something that would make me feel better about everything.  And just that mere change in my daily activity, proved to be positive.  So, last week during my visit in D.C., my friend Shannon has introduced a lifestyle change, that I found inspiring.  She had read The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone.  I knew that Alicia Silverstone is Vegan, but it was interesting to read why, and other great benefits of a plant based diet.  So, while I was there, I tried to follow a Vegan diet, as much as I could.

  And was able to sustain it.  So, coming home yesterday was my challenge.  I walked to the grocery store right down from where I live, and set out to find dinner and breakfast for myself.  And after reading some labels, and choosing wisely, I had each meal planned out for the next 24 hours.

I can't believe how easy it seems, and actually how tasty the food is so far.  Last night, I had Quinoa, with raw bell peppers, imitation fish, brussel sprouts, and green beans.  And to drink I had straight up tangerine juice.  I was satisfied, and pleased.

I won't lie, cause a lot of things I am used to eating seem so tasty, such as cheese, and I love Salami, but I want my body to be strong, and healthy. At least I can still drink wine!!! That part isn't out!  Horray. And I want to try to make a difference in my world.  I'm hoping I can sustain this--I know the benefits are huge.

Wish me luck.

what do you say?

"For some moments in life there are no words."  ~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

While I know that this blog is focused on my life, living single, dating, learning to live...for me and figuring things out along the way, my friends play a gigantic role in all of it. My friends are the pages in my own life story, and their journeys also include me.  So when something happens to one of them, it affects me greatly.  And on Tuesday morning, one of my greatest friends had to say goodbye to her baby girl. She was 5 months pregnant, and her baby was perfectly healthy.  It was just not meant to be I suppose. Although even that ideal doesn't seem right to me right now.

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile....
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown 

But what do you say?  How do you comfort someone when you have no idea how to? You can't say "Well, at least they lived a long life."   Like you may when someones grandparent may pass away. Is there anything you can say?   When she wanted this baby, and then it was all just taken away?  These are the sort of life lessons, experiences that stop me in my tracks, and I question everything, and just have no idea what to do or say.  I know that she loved being able to hold her baby, and get to love her for the few hours that she was living.  And I know that she is grateful for that.  I was happy to hear from her the next day, although it was a really sad conversation.  But, I believe my friend is strong, and will see through this.  I love you Trisha and James, I truly think you are the strongest person I know.