what do you say?

"For some moments in life there are no words."  ~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

While I know that this blog is focused on my life, living single, dating, learning to live...for me and figuring things out along the way, my friends play a gigantic role in all of it. My friends are the pages in my own life story, and their journeys also include me.  So when something happens to one of them, it affects me greatly.  And on Tuesday morning, one of my greatest friends had to say goodbye to her baby girl. She was 5 months pregnant, and her baby was perfectly healthy.  It was just not meant to be I suppose. Although even that ideal doesn't seem right to me right now.

Tiny Angels

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile....
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Author Unknown 

But what do you say?  How do you comfort someone when you have no idea how to? You can't say "Well, at least they lived a long life."   Like you may when someones grandparent may pass away. Is there anything you can say?   When she wanted this baby, and then it was all just taken away?  These are the sort of life lessons, experiences that stop me in my tracks, and I question everything, and just have no idea what to do or say.  I know that she loved being able to hold her baby, and get to love her for the few hours that she was living.  And I know that she is grateful for that.  I was happy to hear from her the next day, although it was a really sad conversation.  But, I believe my friend is strong, and will see through this.  I love you Trisha and James, I truly think you are the strongest person I know.

It's MONDAY

It's Monday!! You know what that means in KerryLAND.....Laundry. Um, laundry...2 loads and after work that is.  I am working a few extra shifts this week, to bring my total working hours to a nice 67 this week alone.  YES!

You know what it also means?  That while my laundry is being tumbled, and agitated, and spun and rinsed.....I get to write and blog my little heart out.

I've had quite a day. And while I try to keep my mind busy, and my thoughts positive, I can't help but think of my good, good friend Trisha.  I got a text at 4 AM this morning, saying she is in the hospital with complications in the pregnancy.  We texted back and forth for a about an hour, but I couldn't help but think of how useless I was just sitting up in my bed, wanting so badly to be there for her. I know that she was surrounded by her parents, and Jameson, and I'm glad for that.  I know that we can't stop what may or may not happen, and as soon as a negative thought comes into my brain, I shoo it away with good thoughts for her, and her baby, and her body, and for Jameson.  It's moments like this where I definitely do start doubting anything that is higher than us....and while right now I may be cynical, it just makes me think "Really....I mean...really?! What kind of higher power would give a woman a baby for 5 months, allow it to grow, and gestate, just to possibly, have to let it all go?!"  I just can't think that I'd want to be a part of any of that belief system.  The whole...everything happens for a reason speech just isn't cutting it for me today.  Because I don't believe that something like this should be happening to somebody so great.  Frankly....it's bullshit.  And today, I realized that all the petty nonsense that I've been droning on and on about...is really nothing in comparison. 

It's just a big fat reality check.

Ughh...I know that is just an opinion, and a negative one at that....and in this moment, I'm sad, and frustrated.  But I just want this to turn out okay. 

Trisha....I love you.   And I wish for you, nothing but happiness.

Tacos and Trisha

Monday night, I invited Trisha over for dinner.  I was craving Mexican food, wait...no, I always crave Mexican food, come to think of it, the last time she came over, I made Chicken and Spinach Enchiladas.  But, I digress....I couldn't wait to see her, and see the ultra sound pictures of her sweet baby girl, growing in her little belly, that is SMALLER than most Chico State Girls' beer guts after their Freshman year of College. 

Seriously.....Anyway. I made Tacos, with homemade guacamole, FROM SCRATCH...that's my new thing, everything from scratch.  We caught up with Real Housewives of Orange County, my secret love, and caught up on our lives, both professionally and personally. 

A little bit of Gossip mixed in makes for a perfect night with my good, good friend. 

Oh how I love Trisha!  She is by far, my most prized girlfriend in Napa. She is so honest, and real, and a listener, but not a bullshitter.  She gives advice when it's sought, and says her opinion at the risk, of it not being the same as yours.  She's real, and true. And what's crazy, is I met her 5 years ago, and didn't even know it. 

When I owned my business in Chico, I saw a lot of girls, and if I saw most of them today, I'd probably still recognize them.  yea...I'm that good.   Back to my point, skip to April of 2008, and I was working as a pre-school teacher when I walk in and this girl is sitting there, as the new 2 year old groups teacher...I immediately thought....I must have seen her at a bar or something, so I ask..."Do I know you?"  To which she replies..."No..I don't think so."  I asked...randomly...did you go to Chico State? Did you tan at my tanning salon??  And she relplied Yes, and YES!!!  I knew her right away.  From that day, on we have been great friends.  And I adore her so much, and when I left the pre-school, I felt like a piece of my daily life was gone. 

But, 2 years later, and with her and James' baby on the way, I can't imagine my single girl life without her.