FB Chat

A little over a week ago, I was "chatting" with my friend Sagan, who I met while I owned my business in Chico.  Her and I became fast friends, always having something to talk about.  At the time, I was married, behind the scenes, it was falling apart but nontheless, that's the last time she saw me.  I always loved talking to her, so when I found her on FB, I was really excited.  And, when we started talking, I was so glad!!

Anyway, I digress, a little over a week ago, her and I were talking and she asked me if I'd been dating anyone..."No", I said. "I kind of have given up on this whole dating thing, for now, I'm ready to start focusing on going to school again, plus dating scares me a little". She replied..."Kerry, you need to let yourself love somebody, you're so afraid of it...", to which I replied..."What?!  I'm not afraid of love", and her response was this " From some of your blogs, yes you are, you kind of hate love, and are afraid to put yourself out there." Now, in all honesty, yea...it sort of scares me, I have been what's the word...uh....SCREWED the EF over a few times.  Not saying I haven't done the same...we all have done some shitty things at one point in our lives.  But what I am saying is that there have been times, where...things start to look great...and then BAM...it all falls apart!! And I hate it, and about 4 months ago, I thought in my brain, I fucking give up.  I'll go to a movie, go to a show, go to dinner, but I'm not going to allow myself to feel for somebody, like I have in the past.  Plus, I don't have time, I'm busy...I work a ridiculously long, busy work day, I play, but I'm done playing with dating.  SO this WAS my mind set.  Rejection fucking sucks. 

Because that's what it is isn't it?  Once you've been on that end of rejection...it kind of fucking sucks.  And you have this jaded idea of love, and life, and the things you share, and don't care to anymore.  And it becomes superficial.  And, I am not superficial.  So the whole surface thing is hard for me to do.  I just want somebody to want to be in my life, as much as I want to be in theirs.  Who wants to hear about my day, after I ask them about theirs. I just want to be able to lay it all out, and not be afraid that it won't matter to that person.  I don't feel like I'm afraid of love....but that I'm afraid of the losing part. 
.... But, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not afraid of loving somebody, because when I love somebody...I'll love them whole heartedly, I strive to let them know how glad I am that they are in my life, and I'll open up completely.   After this conversation with Sagan, I promised her I'd be better at letting my guard down.  That I'd stop being so fearful of feeling rejected, that I'd stop hating on love.