The Douche Bag Award

So, 2 weeks ago, after not hearing from a guy I hadn’t heard from since 4 weeks before, I get this random text, from a number that wasn’t recognizable, as I had taken him out of my phone.  I had put him in my “Go Fuck Yourself and Die Memory Folder”  So I get this…“Hi Kerry, I hope you are well.  I’m sorry I haven’t reached out to you for a while, but I’d like to talk to you.” OF COURSE you’d like to talk to me, cause when we hung out, it was like the best time of your whole, stupid, ass-bag life.  I stared at my phone at first seriously unsure of who it was, until I texted a mutual friend and asked who this number belonged to.  She told me, oh…that’s “Douche Bag”, that’s not really what she called him, she said his real name, but in my blog I shall now refer to him as such. Anyhizzle, so I say…”Um, what is there to say….I tried reaching you a month ago, without a response, what could you possibly have to say at this point that I have any concern for?” Him: I know, and I’m sorry for that….Me: “Okay, well, what do you want to talk about? I mean…seriously Douche Bag?” Him:Just why I distanced myself from hanging out with you, I had a really great time when we hung out. (Mind you, we met through a mutual friend, at a Farmer’s Market), and then hung out 3 whole times…once at a post 10K Marathon Pool Party, another time at a Backyard BBQ, and then another time we met at the dog park, and had burritos.  I mean if that doesn’t spell romance…I really fucking don’t know what does. <That’s sarcasm….> So, I’m not really sure where he felt this GRANDIOUSE connection, but if I’m tooting my own horn…which I am going to, I’m really easy to get along with, and fun to be around, so maybe that’s where it was but whatever.  He had seen me out at a birthday party creating a ruckus, and being silly with my girlfriends, and maybe in his really old, old man age (29) it made him think twice.  I won’t apologize for my behavior A-HOLE, I am single, support myself completely, creating my own happiness, and I’m not putting a censor on that shit.  So….after that night, I never heard from him again.  Oh wait…yes I did, once…at 10:30 PM the next night asking if I’d like to have a glass of wine with him…what?!!! A booty call….from a guy I hadn’t even ever had a real date with, let alone anything else!!!! What a DOUCHE. 

After that, I had texted him and said I was sleeping the night before when he had texted.  And after that I didn’t hear from him.  So I deleted his name and number from my phone and wrote him off as a cocky asshole. But I knew he’d contact me again.  He was, after all on my FB still, my friends told me I wasn’t ALLOWED to delete him, that was immature.  I don’t know the rules!!!  And so, when I saw this random number….I was like “Muahaha”.  I told him that his “friends” had pulled me aside the night of the BBQ and had said that he wasn’t a partier, and that he doesn’t like to have a lot of fun.  Which they totally did…..but I never said anything to him. I wanted him to know how loyal his friends were.  I mean wow…what a great set of cock-blocking friends.  And I ended it with “I just thought you should know, and no I will not talk to you, you had a chance to redeem yourself 4 weeks ago, and now….if it weren’t for Alexis, I wouldn’t even know this was your phone number.”  His response: Thanks for letting me know.  Are you fucking kidding me.  Wait I picture him sitting there like perplexed…I just got done telling you what your friends said, that I had just deleted you from my phone, and that your futile attempts at trying to talk to me are being resisted. And that’s your response!?  I mean seriously? 

Last night, lucky me…Chef’s Market…he was there on a BRODATE with the guy who totally cock-blocked him. I hope they are in love, and I hope that he likes to caress his friends FU-man-CHU.  I was forced, FORCED to look at his stupid, cocky, douche bag face hole. But I just waved, and like a real grown up, I said hello. And then. like a real grown up that doesn’t just accept random friends on my FB, I came home, and deleted him from my friends list.  There, old man, douche bag, I win.