"Sometimes in a relationship going through hell isn't so bad if you come out of it a little stronger. The same thing is true about friends"
-Felicity
It's true isn't it? We all have our ups and downs. In a relationship with a significant other, our family members, a co-worker, or a friend. The latter gets tough because really, really....a friendship is unlike any other. There is no value to our friendships until we put a value on it. There is no reasoning of survival when it comes to a friendship. With a boy...there's love, and hope for the future. With a family member, no matter how crazy that person can be...there's reason, with a co-worker, you have to work side by side with that person every day, you have to make it bearable. There's reasoning behind it all, except with a friend, until you've placed that value on that relationship.
I place my friendships at a high value.
I cherish my relationships, big and small.
I nurture that feeling and I make it known.
I know what it's like to be caught dead alone, with no one, in a town where no one knows you and on the flip side I know the feeling it feels like to have friends surrounding you with complete love. And I place that value almost higher than my family. And for every friend I have, I am so grateful.
However....when I am faced with, and dealing with complete lack of class, and character, I get pissed. I don't like to be tossed around like some sort of hackey sack, like I don't know I'm being played. This last week...I got fucking played. Oh but I knew, and I was pissed and I didn't back down. Here's the thing; I have a low tolerance for bull shit. You act stupid....I'm gonna treat you like you are fucking stupid. Don't play games and play dumb, cause I see right through your silly bullshit lies.
When this all started, it was seriously my fault. I got my feelings hurt, with a lack of communication, and I really got upset, and I was wrong. And the next day, I apologized. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me, and it's embarrassing. It's been like that my whole 28 years.... But, hey...I apologized, that's more than I've ever done for most boyfriends. Oh, but hey.....this person hung on to that grudge. Whoa now, that's my job.....and I finally just told her..."Look, I can't keep being the bad guy...I fucked up...forgive me or don't...but I am not going to keep apologizing for something I did a month ago". Well...she forgave me for like a day. Ugh....seriously?! I just wasted a "I'm really, really sorry...." on a big fat baby?! I can't deal with this bullshit. So I'm not. My feelings get hurt easily too, and all summer she said some really effed up stuff and I sat and smiled on the outside, while on the inside I just wanted to round house kick her in the face. Look, the way I see things is this....I am busy, I have a full time job where I have to ward off idiots, I have a life...I have bills to pay, and a mouth to feed...MINE, and a cat. I have stressors in my life that are way bigger than this. And if this...THIS is going to continuously be a defensive vs. offensive game of "I didn't mean it that way..." and "I wasn't trying to be mean" than quite frankly...quite fucking frankly it isn't worth it. It makes me feel like this:
When I should be wanting to feel like this:
If I'm being honest here....and I am....my feelings are just super hurt right now....trying so hard to make someone happy when, in reality...I can only make myself happy...is hard fucking work. And at this moment in my life....I don't have enough energy for anything harder than it should....has to be.
friendship means understanding, not agreement. it means forgiveness, not forgetting. it means the memories last, even if contact is lost
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