Waking Up

.....The last two weeks and 5 days have been a huge reflection for myself, and of myself.  I find myself taking a huge gasp of fresh air, as though I have been swimming under water holding my breath, my heart racing, waiting...waiting, for the next wave to pass for me  to come up in calm waters.  In the past I fought, and fought, and treaded water.  I'd come up in rough areas and fight, and exhaust myself.  Only to be tumbled around, only to continue fighting because, that's how I taught myself.  Keep fighting, until what you want..is attainable; even if it takes all your might, and your joy, and energy.  Keep fighting, keep swimming, because, well...letting go meant you were weak, because allowing those rough waters to take you where they may showed no strength on my part.  Well...fuck that shit.

Two weeks ago, I found myself writing-honestly......., not honestly.  I mean, I was writing honestly about my life, everything I've ever written has been honest.  But, life isn't always rainbows, and puppies and butterflies flying out of Cinderella's ass.  Life has trials, and life has shitty things that happen.  But, knowing that certain people were reading my blog, I wrote always of the positive things.  As though nothing ever upset me.  Well, believe it or not...things upset me.  So, I stopped writing.  Not because I didn't want to write, because believe me, I want to write everyday.  All the time.  Instead, I started reading, I started...meditating.  Yea...Meditating.  It was scary.  I'm serious. Not like "are you afraid of the dark scary" but scary because I was putting my faith, and my mind into something I've only always read about.  There was a day...it was literally the day I stopped writing that I was at work, and it was like I had a fever that wanted to break.  You see, I had this anger towards someone that I just can't even explain.  Or put into words. I felt like my writing was becoming generic and not for myself.

So, with that said...I'm back.  I'm breathing.  I'm remembering to be here and now....I need to stop worrying so much about before and what could happen next.  I have a bad habit of that, and I need to quit cold turkey!  But, with all of that said.  I am here, back...ready to write my little heart out...and beware my little readers...I'm done holding back.  Even if that means I shed a little bit of dirty laundry..make me seem a little less perfect than previously believed...and even if it means I piss a couple of people off.

I'm back bitches...and it's the Holiday Season.